It is 5:30am on the day before Thanksgiving. Last night we ended up falling asleep in the living room, so it was a lot easier justifying waking up early. I just rolled off the couch, checked my phone, then turned on the coffee maker 15 minutes before it was scheduled to brew automatically.
In the 15 minutes it took to brew, I laid here fighting the urge to go back to sleep. I grabbed my phone, checked all notifications – nothing important going on – then pulled myself up & turned on a lamp to get the day rolling. It’s a little hard to sleep when your alarm is telling you,
“Wake up, you have 1 life to live, let’s get it.”
I stare down at the coffee table paralyzed – should I read the book I started or should I write? On 1 hand I want to read as much as I can, but on the other hand I don’t want to read about Antitrust when I first wake up (the book I’m reading is Capitalism: the Unknown Ideal by Ayn Rand).
I also find it hard to write straight off the bat, but feel really encouraged by what Tyler said about my writing & my truth. He is always wrestling with should he post on Instagram/YouTube/social in general and it’s so easy & obvious for me to say, “YES, you’re too talented to keep it bottled! You could do X, Y, Z or even W!” I always know, or have suggestions, for how he can showcase his musical talents, will detail it, overthink it with some super rational explanation (I told him that his music doesn’t need to be thought about, he just does it because it is the essence of his being) and last night he hit me with some truth I badly needed to hear.
He said, “Bro, I gotta be honest with you, you think about shit WAY deeper than it needs to be lol”.
Then he had an epiphany and said, “But WAIT – that is the essence of YOUR being!”
And honestly, that was the best piece of honesty & motivation that I could have received at that point. It’s crazy because it’s so obvious to me how talented he is & how easily I can justify his posting, but then I can’t see those magical values where they can exist within myself.
I’ve been writing, or attempting to write, and keep getting caught up in semantics, or questioning the content, constantly overthinking 10 miles down the road instead of just living in the moment & acting on inspiration & truth.
He was right, I’m always too deep in my own head – paralysis by analysis. So now I am resolving to write every single day. Writing is a practice & a discipline – greatness & freedom flow from the first steps, but only if you keep the pace. Tyler helped me realize it’s more important to share my writing than worrying about content. I am trying to paint myself in a corner with gardening instead of being true to myself & simply unleashing the thoughts constantly percolating in my head & talking about all of my passions & interests, not just gardening.
I think my worry is that writing will make me vulnerable. Putting my thoughts & feelings out there will expose me as weak or offer a chance for people to psychoanalyze me or something – clearly a little paranoid but when you write that’s what is supposed to happen – you want to expose yourself & your thoughts. When I was younger I was fascinated with reading people’s original stuff so I could gain insight on their true self – free of outside bias. I wanted to read Freud’s own writings, not a biography that is diluted by another’s own viewpoints & interpretations. I’m not saying I’m a Freud-caliber thinker, I just think it’s important to document & important to create – it can only lead to an infinite synthesis of possible ideations to iterate upon. Last night I made an oath to block out time to write, and this morning I fulfilled it without judging – just letting it flow from heart & brain to pen & paper.
Excited for the journey.